On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
