There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
