I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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