i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
