It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
