Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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