i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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