I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
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you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
He called his prostate his "boner button".
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
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Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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