I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
