Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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