The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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