That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
