Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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