I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
