Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
