Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
