Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
