I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
