I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
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