You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
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funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
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I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.