You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
