i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
