get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
