im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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