I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
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