just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Randomize
