Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
