I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
