Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
