you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
