I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
did i walk over a car last night?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
