I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
