I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
