How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
