Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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