She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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