3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
