Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Randomize
