I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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