You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Randomize
