Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
