Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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