the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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