I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
