Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Randomize
