she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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