I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
