$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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