I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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