I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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