this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
