Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
FUCK WHALES
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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