u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
