dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
