Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
