Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
