So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
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