I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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