I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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