Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
