By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
My ATM looks so different sober.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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