my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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