insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
