Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
