Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Randomize
