I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Mom said you looked used
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
