I molested 6 butterflies tonight
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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