I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
be right there i have to get my cape
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
